4 AM

On March 2 of this year I had a dream that left me with a strange feeling, so I wrote it down and wanted to share it.

It’s 4am here. I suddenly woke up breathing heavily. I had been dreaming, and I took my time to think about the dream.

I was walking to school, feeling a bit down I guess because I had my head down, staring at the ground, being introspective like I am these days. When I arrived at school, I noticed I was late for class haha but I didn’t worry a thing (unlike my past self who definitely would’ve panicked). I just walked into the classroom, and then Nien teased me for being late, then Sohyun asked if I could help with some calculus problems, while also teasing her about not helping her with that, lol. We started talking like we were best friends. Jiyeon was there too but at a distant, and I began talking about the things I admire about her to them, it felt so good talking freely. I couldn’t remember all of this part but it felt so intense, like the same rush I feel when I start talking about my inner feelings, mixed with fear but with a lot of yearning to be heard.

Then I woke up. I took my time to recover, I was breathing fast, like after crying so hard, but I had no tears. I don’t know why. I thought maybe I was anxious or sad. I don’t know why my body reacted that way. I started reflecting on it, so even though it was a nice dream, it left me with mixed emotions.

I didn’t really enjoy my high school days much. Yeah, sometimes I joked around with a classmate, but I wasn’t truly free. I felt disconnected back then, so much dissociated. And even though I’m in my thirties, sometimes I find myself longing for better memories from that time. Like when I watch slice of life anime or tripleS and WJSN content, seeing them as best friends, going out, sharing their problems and worries, or just laughing and enjoying being alive hahaha.

At the end, my brain was creating a good memory for me I guess, a ‘what if’ scenario. But the real me was struggling to accept a sense of belonging, resisting it after all those years when I had nothing.